. : MaGiCLaND : .

i hate myself for being a person that people dislike me and especially feeling disappointed at me…

i am always being selfish, i am always doing things that i do without thinking of the results… without thinking of other people… all i know that it’s my life, i have the right to be good, be bad… it’s my choice… but… i often feel sorry for my actions that hurt some people out there… i have made people disappointed at my studies… i have made my buddies disappointed at my personal life… i have made my darling feeling disappointed at my words… i have made my kor feeling disappointed at my moves… in fact, i have been disappointing myself most of the time…

i always feeling regret after doing something… and start telling myself not to repeat again… but then again and again… it’s repeating all the time… till… i already feel NUMB of the feeling of regret… i always know what’s gonna happen, and i should just avoid it to happen… but, i have never done so!! all i do… i just let it to happen and then feel regret later…

“when something is wrong you try to repair first…if try and try…use this way, use what that way….still cannot…then onnie “throw away” one…..everything is precious…cannot simply “throw” away unless it is the only way….“
please throw me away, probably i am helpless… it’s the only way… never ever recycle me… it will become another rubbish…

“do you know how disturbing it is?????of course you don’t…all you think abt is yourself!!!!!…little girl acting like adult!!!!“
i am selfish… i am not even a qualified adult…

“damn sad…more than sad actually….disappointed?…..disgusted?….this is so frustrating…feel like killing someone now….but feel kinda numb now too…..guess…it balances out huh? confused…confused….oh what should I do?“
WHY WHY WHY!! i really didnt mean it… if killing someone can make you happier, please kill me, it’s my fault… and please take me out of this world, i am tired of being a ME like this… i want to be NOTHING!! i dont bring happiness to this world but all the negatives…

it’s not a good feeling while you drink all 3 nights in a row… especially the first night drunk then hangover the next day… and you start drinking again while havent recovered from the hangover… and then the next night again drinking before recovering from the previous hangover… you can feel that your brain is permanently floating out of your head…

my nights…
thursday – velour, then ffour
friday – 255, then seasons
saturday – shanghai K

i am worried… my brain cells…

ok… i am blogging while you are just beside me now… and when i am still half drunk…

first of all… i really need to say sorry to you… i really felt bad to make you unhappy LAST night… and i really know that it was my fault to let you going home alone… but then i really bored when you left me and went to drink with virlyn and lok… i was lucky that i found alan and friends to drink with me and play with me… but then that time you already wanna go home and i just started my fun and you forced me to go home with you… but then i really know that i was being selfish and i already said sorry to you this morning…

and just now in the K, i was really angry when you said that again… coz i already said sorry to you and you kept saying that i made you unhappy and all… i was angry because of… why didnt you think of me when i was bored and nobody was beside me last night and when i found people to play with me then you told me virlyn was drunk and you had to leave and asked me to leave with you also…?

and i actually NOTHING edi when you told me to forgive those words that you said when you were drunk… and i knew that you were drunk and i really meant it when you explained to me and i really meant it that i really NOTHING!! but you didnt believe me at all… and you ended up saying that my sad face made you sad and you thought of those unhappy things… and i cried… just because that i felt bad that i made you sad… i was blaming myself for showing you my unhappy face and you got unhappy… and was blaming myself for only knowing to make you unhappy… i didnt mean it, darling…

and it’s my wrong again when i kept crying eventhough i already promised you to stop crying… and it’s seriously nothing about you… it was because of the songs that they were singing made me think of him and i felt that all the sad songs were about me… about me and him… about how i really love him… how i really miss him… how stupid i am… how the days used to be… how he affected my life… everthing about him…. and this is also the reason why i didnt wanna stay in the K longer… again… you didnt believe me that i really didnt wanna stay…

ok… everything’s clear now…

*****************

it’s not a good feeling while you get drunk all 3 nights in a row… especially the first night drunk then hangover the next day… and you start drinking again while havent recovered from the hangover… and then the next night again drinking before recovering from the previous hangover… you can feel that your brain is permanently floating out of your head…

i am worried… my brain cells…

Me + KOR… ehhehehe

this special post is dedicated to my beloved QS korkor…

i got so excited when i got home as i saw my PRESENT from korkor… it’s really a surprise as i didnt expect it to happen man!! as it’s not my birthday, i havent graduated, i didnt give birth to a baby… WHY GOT PRESENT ONE!!! *wink wink*

weeeeheeee… it’s a BIG BEAR!! ahhaahha… not that big lar… but still it’s MUCH bigger than the previous SO-CALLED-BEAR *it’s actually a MOUSE* that kor sent me… and it’s SO DAMN BLARDEE FARKING LOVELY!!! *drooling* very very very soft… oh yea, there is this lil note on its paw, ‘bless this little one’ and of coz i am my kor’s little one lar!!! awwwwwwwwww… my kor is so sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeet *muacks* again kor… you made me sleeping with tears last night… =P and… i named this lil bear KOR, and… did you actually feel that you were sleeping in my arms last night…? kekekekekeke… i hugged you so tight wor… =P

by knowing that this is a gift that kor ordered on line through giftsaustralia, this 8 little mui of coz went to have a look lar… and… WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!! this lil bear costs freaking AUD49.95 which is RM140+… *fainted* kor ar… RM140… i can have a REAL BIG BEAR in kl edi~~~ arrggghhh… anyhow, i know that kor just wanna make me happy mar, right? *pat kor’s head* I LOVE IT!!!! and I LOVE KOR too!!!! =)

this is why i love kl so much… i have so much LOVEEEEEEE in kl~~ *i wanna go home* =(

eeee… got present wor…

a snowy white bear pops out…

bless this little one…

sweetsweet kor’s sweetsweet message…

the small lil bear-mouse *a bear or a mouse?* that lives in my handbag… he cant even sit or stand properly… *kesianz*

the big bear taking care of the small bear-mouse…

jeffrey *not the jeff that i have mentioned* had been telling people he would be going back to malaysia for good on 9th aug, which is last night!! but sometimes, he also said that he wouldnt go back… that’s freaking confusing…!! and basically, everybody *me, cheryl, phui yean, jimmy, henry, yuki and peter* went for the FAREWELL last night except wei sheng and yong yuan as they were so far in clayton… we had dinner at kaneda, then went back to his place to help him to pack his stuffs…

and… TA MA DE… this bugger not leaving!! donkey!! and he made the whole world upside down and confused whether to believe him or not… ahduh… fine fine fine… since already gathered up, why not have some fun…

TA DA~~~ kenneth and virlyn came up with a bottle of tequila and a bottle of whisky… ahhahhaa… this gang really cant live without ALCOHOL man!! we played games and the loser had to do stupid stuffs like gotta say ‘fark you baby’ before drinking and gotta stand up with both hands pointing up and BARK like a dog… and then after that, the person of the right would have to SHUFFLE for 10 seconds… well well well… it’s kinda lame and confusing… as people always cant do things follwoing the sequence and also forgetting to do SOMETHING… *especially after a few drinks* and thus… DRINK LAR!! what else… we even added rules that like ‘no cantonese’ allowed, whoever came out anything in cantonese, DRINK LAR!! there was once we had this rule ‘cannot say DRINK’… hahahaha… this is the tough one!! we always got excited asking people to DRINK when someone has lost…

after this game… we played another stupid game again… each person got a card and a certain number be the king while this king could give commands to certain numbers to do certain things… we had… 2 guys and 1 girl doing THREESOME *with the clothes on of coz*… we had… 2 guys french kissing… we had… 3 girls french kissing… we had… 2 girls grabbing boobs… we had… 2 girls got married in the toilet while others standing in the bath tub… FREAKING LAME!!!!!!!!

anyway… it’s a great night having LOTS OF FUN!! it’s really an unusual TUESDAY night!! it’s just like another weekend to me… =) and finally i gotta go home after that as i have classes on the next morning!! *bah~~~*

well, decided to stay away from the house for some time… at least, not feeling that i am surrounded by some people who hate me… i feel better… and also a K session that i didnt sing and drink much… well… i bet it’s still better than staying at home doing nothing…

and i met this ENERGETIC guy chatting with me EARLY in the morning… yes, very early… 5am… and he is living in FRANKSTON, hell far man!! probably more than an hour drive… and he suggested that to have McD as BREAKFAST at 6am in the city… siaoz man this kid… but of coz… i wasnt that mad to play along… hahahahahaha…

and then was happily chatting with my NEW friend, Jason… kekekekeke… he is kinda related to SO MANY people that i know… haha, but just got to know him recently through jeff > jonathan… EH WAIT!! now i noticed!! they are all J’s!!! oh yea, and this jason is funny and sometimes can give good opinions… and his lame arse character really lead our conversation to a very crazy one… anyhow, a nice chatting partner i would say… and because of him, i only got to sleep at 8am… *bah* i actually forced myself to sleep at that time before we actually FINISHED chatting… hahahahaha…

finally this energetic kid from frankston came down to have dinner… ahhahaha… but he didnt join me for dinner but went with wkkay instead… then we met up at lin contro for a gossiping session… one thing that i must mention, THIS KID CANT DRIVE!!! ma de~~ he was driving like he’s in INITIAL D… bugger… luckily PRINCESS ME is now safely home!! duh~~~ hehehehe… and he said that i am a SCARY + CRAZY PRINCESS as i look like i BITE… no, i dont simply bite… i am not a BIATCH… oh yea… and CUTE too~ =P

it’s not the first time… it’s not the first time being an invisible person in the house… and god knows what’s the reason…

i dont know WHY everyone knows about something but not ME!!! and they always THOUGHT that i know, so that they never thought of telling me… i wonder… did i install SPYCAMS all over in the house… or i am just like an ET that could FEEL anything that is happening…?

i remember that i usually tell or ask everyone about any up coming plan… but… i am always the one being left out… do i look like that i am so damn INDEPENDENT…? or am i a tiny small lil ant that people cant notice my existence…? or am i the very ugly one that they dont even wanna see me…?

it’s really funny when one came to ask me ‘you are not going?’… and i got shocked like GOING WHERE!! i didnt even know what’s going on when i saw everyone already ready to go!! oh and yes, even JEFF was ready to go as well… 5 of them… and i guess the reason must be… the car can only fit 5… i bet i am out of the OFFICIAL family members, macy and jeff are the ones…

i have this weird habit which i dont like people to LOG OUT my msn… not even when i am away or sleeping… I JUST LOVE TO HAVE IT ON ALL THE TIME!! so what!! that’s my choice!! just leave me alone, it’s MINE!!!!

and i remember there were 3 persons who did that and i got real angry!! and now… there is this 4th person here!! i really dont know what i can do to him anymore… i scolded him and already mad at him… he is now really GOOD while i am around… i see him using Windows Messenger all the time…

BUT… how come i always have MISSING msgs while i am away…? people been asking me ‘why no reply’… i dont even get the msgs and how am i going to reply… but they actually have sent me some msgs… but why all these GONE MISSING!! and usually i get msgs waiting for me when i wake up from the dreamland on the next morning… and why all there GONE MISSING TOO!!

i remember the last time i did to TEST my brother was i left some msgs UNREAD before i went out… when i got home, those msgs already gone… now you know… he signed out the msn before, i asked and he admitted it… *forgiven* last night, i kept a window with msn game on… i was actually half way playing that game but decided to continue this morning… BUT HECK!! it’s GONE now in the morning!! ma de!! it’s either this PK signed out my msn or he closed my windows… *farker* CAN I JUST TAKE A BROOM AND WHACK HIM OUT OF THE ROOM!!

farking annoying!!!!!!! why are you disturbing my life!! why cant i live the way i want…

i can no longer face the comp 24/7 – he wanna use…
i can no longer talk anything on skype – he is around…
i can no longer change in my room SAFELY – he enters the room WITHOUT knocking the door…
i can no longer enjoy my SINLGE life – his stay in my room is suspicious to others…
i can no longer have MY smile in the room – his smell is stronger till i need to use air freshener…

OK OK OK, i know that i sound like BIATCH… but heck, I AM A BIATCH… so what say you!! *DUH*

and he even thinks that everything in the house is his… he even thought of using OUR car without asking for permission… till i asked him whether he gonna use the car and he asnwered me “YES”!! MA DE HELL!! who the hell on earth PERMITTED him to use the car!! wahlaoo… i had no idea what to answer and i asked him to ask robin first… and of coz, robin wouldnt say no… but… that’s a MANNER thingie ok… at least ASK first weik instead of thinking that it’s yours and you can do whatever you want and use whenever you want…

BLARDEE HELL~

was browsing through friendster and i found that there was this status that we could use… it’s complicated… hahahaha… what a good status!! and then, i changed mine to it’s complicated too… p/s: i think Zoe needs that too… =P

i usually like to say that i am single but not available… but this is not a COOL way to say it, let’s bear with it’s complicated… hahahahhaha… i am PHYSICALLY single, but not single MENTALLY… my mind is attached to someone and i am not interested in ANYONE or ANY RELATIONSHIP… hahahahaha… further more, i am MARRIED!! hahahah… yes!! i am married to my LOUGONG *muacks* hahahahaha… sounds funny eh…? sounds complicated eh…?

well… it’s true that something is better to be left unknown or unclear…